It’s always bitter sweet when I hear my loved ones say that they’re proud of me.
Part of me needs to hear that (hello Words of Affirmation is my prime love language)
The other part of me feels undeserving of those words. At times it feels as if I’m not doing enough. On the outside looking in, sure, it seems like I’m never NOT working.
But that is only one view. I know my shortcomings, weaknesses, and failures better than anyone else does. I’m working on taking “Now That’s What I Call Self Loathing 23” off of repeat in my mind.
It’s a process. You get used to that negative voice. You get used to abusers voices in your head telling you all the things that are wrong with you. You get used to being stuck in the past in regard to your physical appearance, your energy level, and your resilience.
I don’t want to BE that young and naive girl that I used to be. I just miss not stressing so much. Not caring so much. Not having to take life so seriously.
But, when you grow up, you see more of the ugly in this world. The key is to not allow it to harden your heart. I’ve got that covered. Somehow, though, in guarding my heart from the cold world, it found its way into my social skills and confidence.
Knowing and acknowledging is the first step, though, right? So, now that I know, I can do something about it. I can actively challenge the negativity in my mind. I can continue practices that keep me balanced and whole on my own.
Those feelings still creep up from time to time. I let them. I let them speak their bullsh*t, then I show them the door. No more wallowing. No more spiraling. It’s time to go, bad thoughts. Byeeeee. Lol