A facebook friend of mine shared his thoughts yesterday. It resonated with me so, in spite of my year long writer’s block, I felt I needed to get this out. He said something about putting your beliefs, practices and values onto other people. It resonated with me because I often felt powerless in my life. Made to live in the beliefs, practices, and values of everyone around me. I was physically safe, but my mind was conditioned to believe things that don’t really sit right with me. As I matured, I had to slow down and reflect on what I believed in. I compared what was ingrained in me to what I know now and I decided to pivot my life. Redefining what mattered to me, what moved me, what my “why” was. My dynamic with people in my life began to change. I noticed how odd it felt to be feel like the “bad guy” constantly for not “just doing” or “just saying” or “just feeling” the way I used to when I cared more about the comfort zone of those around me while I grew steadily uncomfortable with conversations and situations. I had to stop that. I had to begin to be serious about my time and my energy. That meant saying no to things that no longer sat well with my spirit. That meant taking the brunt of people’s tantrums for not getting their way. I’ve been to therapy for this. I read somewhere that people in therapy are often there to better deal with people who WON’T go to therapy. So here I am, still… I’m shifting even further which scares me because I already have low tolerance of adults who aren’t working to heal themselves. That isn’t a judgment, either. If you don’t want to even see about healing yourself but keep giving me your shit, cool. I’ll just distance myself. People notice that shift and can’t handle it. But i’m tired, honestly. I’m tired of feeling powerless to move through my life without enduring the judgment, shame, tantrums, and boundary pushing that people do on the daily. I’m tired of being the only one working on myself. Having to be the bigger person. That’s a major responsibility. More on my plate. This is why I isolate, to avoid the bullshit. To heal. To just have a break from everyone and their stuff. It’s how I deal.
Welp, this has turned into a post about something completely different from the actual topic but that’s okay. Thanks for keeping up. LOL! It’s been a while since I wrote, so I figured a purge was due. Take care of yourselves & be well ❤