We must evaluate ourselves. Go back on past situations and look deeper at the part we played in things. At times, when you walk away, and come back, you can revisit a situation with a different point of view. Some call it a fresh pair of eyes. I think it’s more about new found knowledge and understanding.
I recently wrote “My Encounter with Emotional Abuse.” I posted it, then walked away from it. I read it again today and did not like what I saw. I wrote this piece with remnants of this person who didn’t love herself- didn’t know her worth. I was this person who never thought she was good enough to be loved and wanted as is. So, instead of being me, instead of possibly being so different that it causes rejection, I morphed myself into whatever it was that I thought my partner wanted. I settled for scraps of happiness instead of pursuing joy with that person.
I remember wanting to be loved so badly that I would agree with everything- never questioning, never arguing. When I did give “my opinion”, it was tweaked to fit what I thought that person would be comfortable with me feeling. I didn’t do this because this person always made me feel like I had to. I did it because I didn’t want them to leave me. I was terrified of being alone. It was like living a double life. No relationship has a chance when it’s built on lies about who you are and what you stand for.
People always say it, but it’s true that communication is key! I wouldn’t open up and discuss things. I wouldn’t express myself because I thought it would lead to an argument, which could possibly mean the relationship would be in jeopardy.
As I child, I never saw or heard my parents arguing or upset, until they were going through their divorce. Going from thinking your family is damn near perfect, to seeing the anger and the hurt that lied beneath the surface can have a negative effect on what a person feels a relationship should be like. I felt like any argument would mean the end because it seemed like their arguing was only leading to the end of their marriage.
There’s always a plethora of “should have’s” and “what if’s” but it’s important to focus on the reality of it. We were too young and we didn’t know ourselves. We wanted love and a relationship without knowing what the hell that meant- without understanding the responsibility that entailed. I’m not saying what I endured wasn’t a form of emotional abuse. I’m just saying that I know I wasn’t perfect either and I want to state that. “My Encounter with Emotional Abuse” doesn’t read that. It reads as if I was an angel smitten with a demon. (It was just a Scorpio! Lol) No, but, I am not a victim, I am just a person who went through an extremely rough time in a relationship that I look back on and smile about. I was happy. I was miserable at times. But those isolated encounters that I wrote about made it seem like there was never a break through the clouds of our differences. I don’t regret that relationship. It was vital to my growth. I frequently look back not to compare, but to reference the person I used to be. I look back to make sure that I’m changing. To make sure that I’m progressing with communicating my wants, needs, and opinions, my boundaries, and my philosophies.
The point of all of this is just to teach you (and myself) to continue to take responsibility for our actions.
Most importantly, to teach you to heal. We can do this by analyzing our past and how things played out. By having the dialogue with our family, friends, and significant others. Quickly we will discover our perspective is not always fact. Our reality is made through our perspective. I want to strive towards a healthier, more truthful and accountable reality.